


Don't make me talk about feelings

by thesungod



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Eventual Zutara, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Mutual Pining, Western Air Temple, but also much friendship and found family trope because yeah, zuko keeps a diary and learns how friendship works, zuko will be in love and i can't wait
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27781381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesungod/pseuds/thesungod
Summary: I take back everything I've said about the Water Girl not being as scary as the Earth Girl. She just scared the SHIT out of me. I deserved that, but still.Zuko takes one of his Uncle's advice, and starts writing a journal at the Western Air Temple. Figuring out how friendships (or girls) work is harder than what he expected, but he's doing his best. Maybe.
Relationships: Aang & Zuko (Avatar), Katara/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Zuko
Comments: 161
Kudos: 254





	1. Why you should let Zuko join the group

Hello, Zuko here.

First of all, I want to clarify something: I’m _not_ writing a diary.

The day someone catches me writing about my feelings here is the day I die.

I’m following Uncle’s advice. He used to say writing down my accomplishments everyday would make me feel better about my firebending, and my unsuccesful attempts to capture the Avatar, and pretty much my whole life being a disappointment. Back then I ignored him, but I figured I’d give it a try now. I need a space to clear my head.

(Fine, Uncle also mentioned something about noting down my “thoughts and feelings”, but I’m NOT doing that.)

So, for future nosey people: this is a _planner_. You will find nothing but information about the Avatar’s improvement in firebending, and plans, and lists, and boring stuff like that.

Still, just in case: back off!!!!

.

 _Accomplishments of the day:_ defeated the assassin I had sent against the Avatar, got accepted into his group (nothing short of a miracle, honestly).

 _Goals of the week:_ learn everyone’s name because I’m panicking about it, try to convince them not to hate me, teach the Avatar the basics of firebending.

I think I’m on board with all of them, but I need to figure out a way to make the Avatar stop fearing fire. I’ll think about what it took me to firebend again after my Agni Kai with the Firelord. Not that I’m going to write about it here: as I’ve already established, I don’t do feelings.

About the group hating me, it’s going to take some time. I get it. It looks like the Scary Earth Girl (Taffy?) is on my side, which I’m very grateful for, and the Avatar will warm up to me easily enough. It’s the Water siblings I’m anxious about, especially the girl. She’s almost as scary as the Scary Earth Girl, and it says a lot, considering I’m calling her the Scary Earth Girl.

I’m truly sorry about what happened in Ba Sing Se. I wasn’t trying to manipulate her into trusting me or anything (I wouldn’t even be able to, honestly), but I don’t blame her for thinking I was. She’s met my sister, after all. And I put a knife in her back two minutes after we’d talked about our moms.

Not my proudest moment, really.

To be fair, I haven’t had a proud moment in years.

.

 _Update_ : I take back everything I’ve said about the Water Girl not being as scary as the Earth Girl. She just scared the SHIT out of me. I deserved that, but still.

I was writing (collecting my plans!!) on here when she stormed into my room, got so close I had her hair loopies two inches away from my face and kindly informed me she will _end my life_ the second I try to hurt her friends.

Not for the first time, I’m wishing she knew how much I suck at lying and deceiving, because I’m starting to believe it would save me so much trouble.

I tried to come up with something in my defense, but my mouth wouldn’t cooperate. I don’t like being yelled at, especially when I deserve it.

There was nothing I could say for myself, because she’s right to be suspicious, and I have been wrong about everything in the past… three years or something, so I just let her say her piece.

Hope she’ll interpret my non-reaction as a good sign.

Anyways, she’s worrying about nothing. I’m not going anywhere. I will help the Avatar save the world and restore my honor, and I wouldn’t stop if Agni himself told me to.

 _New Goal_ : getting Water Girl to tolerate me.

 _New Accomplishment_ : I just learned the Avatar’s name. I was already almost sure, but Water Girl promised me she would destroy me if I hurt _Aang_ , so that settles it.

Her brother is calling me for dinner now. Not looking forward to this.

* * *

Teo, Haru and the Duke were probably asking themselves who the hell the new, brooding boy who had joined them around the fire was, and why everyone was looking anywhere but in his direction. Sokka couldn’t blame them for being too afraid to ask. The silence was painful.

“So,” he said, stirring his soup, “how was life in the Jerklord’s palace?”

Zuko seemed to find the ground incredibly interesting. “Um… nice, I guess.”

Katara glared at him. “Glad to know you have been enjoying yourself.”

She might as well have spat actual venom from her mouth.

Zuko clenched his fist. “I didn’t enjoy myself!”

“What did you do, then?” Aang asked. He actually sounded interested, and Sokka couldn’t deny he was curious too.

"Yeah, what do jerkbenders do in their free time?" O _ther than plotting the demise of the world?_

“I saw the Firelord a couple of times. Trained. Fought with my sister.”

Sokka shuddered at the thought of meeting the Firelord and arguing with Azula. No wonder it had only taken a couple of months for Zuko to realize he wanted to get the hell out of there.

“Wait, what do you mean you saw the Firelord twice? Isn’t he your father?” Aang asked.

Sokka heard Teo whisper “ _the Firelord is what now?_ ” and mouthed “ _later_ ”.

Zuko looked up. “Yes. So what?”

“You only saw your father twice?”

“It’s not like he likes me much. Besides, he’s the Firelord. He’s busy.”

Silence fell over the group again.

The fire was beginning to die out, and Zuko revived it with a quick hand gesture. Everyone, except Toph, flinched.

“You’re the Fire Nation’s prince?” the Duke asked with a small voice.

“I don’t think I am anymore."

“I had a friend named Jet, and he hated all firebenders,” the Duke informed him, matter-of-factly. Sokka flinched again. He knew kids had no concept of tact, but _damn_.

Zuko didn’t look like he cared about who hated him and who didn’t, but his head jerked up at the mention of Jet’s name. “You guys know Jet?”

“Yeah,” Sokka replied, surprised, “you do too?”

“He tried to have me arrested in Ba Sing Se. We’re talking about the same Jet, right? Tall, black hair, refugee?”

“Katara’s boyfriend…” Toph added with a smirk.

Sokka snorted and Zuko gaped in disbelief.

“ _Jet_?” Theo murmured again, confused. Everyone ignored him.

“Toph!” Katara blushed furiously, and covered her face with her hands. Everyone was smiling now, and Sokka sent his silent thanks to Toph, because she always knew how to dissipate the tension in the group.

“Jet was your what now?” Zuko repeated, trying not to smile.

“Mind your business!” Katara jumped to her feet, and started to collect everyone’s bowls.

Zuko got up too. “Can I help?”

“No.”

He deflated, and Sokka almost felt bad for him. Almost.

* * *

Hello, Zuko here.

Writing some important information before I go to bed.

 _New Accomplishment:_ Water Girl’s name is Katara, Scary Earth Girl’s name is Toph.

After dinner, Toph stopped me before I could hide back into my room and told me to carry her to hers, since I’m the one who burnt her feet.

I’m still trying to figure out what they mean when they say she sees with her feet, but I feel bad I burnt them, so I took her on my back and carried her around.

Water Boy and Aang looked shocked. They’ve both been friendlier than I was expecting, and than I deserve, so I didn’t do what I usually do when stared at, which is to yell “what are you looking at?” and run away.

I guess that if I want them to trust me the wisest thing to do is to trust them first.

Toph and I talked for a little while, and for some weird reason I think she may like me.

I apologized again for burning her feet and she told me I could stop already, because it was my fifth time apologizing. Then she thanked me for carrying her, and I told her it was fine.

Going to sleep now. A man needs his rest.

Agni, I miss Uncle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty nervous about posting this, mostly because everything I've read in the Avatar fandom has been SO GOOD. The writers this fandom has... unmatched. It's also my first fanfic here.  
> Anyways, thank you so much to whoever is reading this <3


	2. Why you shouldn't kill Zuko

Hello, Zuko here.

Kill me now. Quite literally make me stop existing.

I LOST MY BENDING!!!

Can you believe that? Just when maybe a part of the Avatar’s team was starting to trust me! How awfully convenient is it that suddenly I can’t teach the Avatar? Katara is probably vouching for my public execution right now.

 _New Goal_ : regain my firebending.

.

 _Update_ : I’m about to go on a trip with the Avatar. On the bright side, they trust me enough to send us alone. On the not-so-bright side, Katara threatened me again.

I had finally convinced her to let me help cook lunch, and I was pretty satisfied with myself, but she only spoke to me to remind me that I will have nowhere to hide if I hurt Aang. It didn’t help that she was gutting a fish with unnecessary violence as she made her speech.

Once again: I’m not that smart. Azula _could_ convince the Avatar’s group to trust her, pretend to lose her bending and lure the Avatar in a isolated location so she could kidnap him. Seems like a awful lot of work for someone who could just shoot lightning out of her pinky finger and win the fight, but theoretically she _could_. Me? Please.

And did I tell her that? No! I just bowed my head and whispered “I know” because I’m a coward. She makes me even more nervous than her friends, and I don’t know why.

I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get my firebending back as soon as possible. I can make myself useful in other ways, but I don’t know if they would let me stay. I’m walking on thin ice. For most of the group, at least. As far as Katara is concerned, the ice has already broken, and I’m drowning, and she’s enjoying the view with a bowl of fireflakes in her hands.

Since she’s probably preparing her “ _Why we should just kill Zuko, a presentation by Katara of the Water Tribe, First Scroll_ ”, it’s better if I start doing the same.

I will need it if I have to plead my case.

 _Why you should keep Zuko instead, a rebuttal by me_ :

I can fight with dao swords, give information about the Fire Nation, make tea, cook decently, track people.

... Is it too late to tell Aang he’s my great-grandpa now?

* * *

Being eaten by a dragon was starting to sound like fun. Had the journey been so long that morning?

“I’m happy you got your firebending back."

Aang didn’t stop looking forward, holding Appa’s reins tightly. Zuko could only see part of his back and his neck.

“Thank you. I’m happy you’re less scared of fire, now.”

“Thank you.”

Zuko resisted the urge to groan. Their relationship was so much easier when their lives were in danger and they had nothing to do except watching each other’s backs. He was good at that.

He wasn’t nearly as good at filling his conversations with nothingness.

After the initial relief and the _oh-wow-we-met-dragons_ excitement had faded, the silence between them had become bothersome. 

He preferred Katara’s resentment and suspicion over Aang’s silence, even if it didn’t come from anger. Aang, Zuko had learnt quite early, wasn’t fond of confrontation. Even now that they had confirmed their fragile allyship, he walked on eggshells, careful not to ignite any arguments.

Zuko felt a familiar sting of guilt. Had he really been that scary, back when they were enemies?

Before he could regret it, he took a deep breath and blurted out “I used to be scared of fire too.”

Aang turned around, _finally_.

“Is it because of your scar?”

People usually didn’t go there. Actually, they avoided to go there as much as possible. There was nothing but genuine interest in Aang’s gentle tone, though, so he nodded.

“For a while, after my accident-” he had no intention of telling the truth about his scar, not to Aang, not now, “I couldn’t firebend at all. It was like my body was refusing to, even though I hadn’t been hurt anywhere but on my face. According to all the healers my uncle called, I should have been able to.”

“Because your physical body wasn’t the problem,” Aang guessed. “Your mind was.”

Zuko nodded again.

“My uncle understood this, and he stopped trying to teach me new katas. He let me train with my Dao swords, and when I asked him to help me firebend again, he showed me how to heat tea. Maybe it sounds stupid now, but everyday he would call me and show me a new way to use firebending for simple, kind purposes and I stopped being scared.”

For a brief moment, he regretted sharing that. It was personal, and he felt an irrational, childish fear that Aang would make fun of him.

But Aang smiled widely. “It’s not stupid at all! This is wonderful! Thank you for telling me, Zuko.”

“Uhm… you’re welcome.”

A tiny flame of affection blossomed in his chest.

* * *

Hello, Zuko here.

 _New Accomplishments_ : regained my firebending, got Aang to trust me, had a decent first lesson with my pupil.

Good parts of the lesson: Aang’s breathing is on point, and his flames are much thicker now.

Bad parts of the lesson: Sokka kept watching us and calling me Jerkbender, Aang has indefinitely named me “Sifu Hotman”, which is undignifying and ridiculous.

Almost forgot another _New Accomplishment_ : Water Boy’s name is Sokka. I’m so grateful Aang called him back to show him a new firebending move. It was getting harder and harder to only refer to him as “hey you”, and he would have picked up the truth sooner or later. I’m convinced Sokka’s goofy attitude is a cover for his cleverness.

I’ve learned everyone’s name, including those of the three boys who are here for some unknown reason, without having to ask once. I’m pretty proud of myself, if I can say it.

Uncle was right: writing down what I do right DOES make me feel better about myself. Who would have thought.

Everything is easier now that Aang isn’t terrified of me. He blabbers about a lot of different things at once, but I keep in mind everything I can because you never know what information could be useful. Today I learnt about penguin-sledding. I think I can safely archive this one in the “non-useful” section.

In any case, I like that Aang tells me stuff. I’m even trying to tell him stuff in exchange. It’s hard for me, and my sense of humor is all off, but Aang looks happy to talk with me, especially since I’ve opened up about my fear of fire yesterday.

Once again, Uncle was right: talking with people really helps you becoming friends with them. Shocking and upsetting.

I don’t think talking will help with Katara, so I’ve decided to buy her forgiveness through chores. She glares at me everytime I offer to help her with her work, but she always lets me, in the end. I think she’s relieved to have some assistance, even if it comes from me.

I’m at a loss with Sokka, but he doesn’t look at me like he wants to choke me, and that makes him a less urgent enemy. We’re mostly ignoring each other, save for his occasional teasing.

It’s a bit of a shame because his black sword is so cool. I’d like to ask him to spar, but I’m scared of how it would go.

Outcome 1: he accepts, he’s much stronger than me and he kicks my ass to the Spirit World, which would be very humiliating.

Outcome 2: he accepts, I’m stronger than him, I beat him, he gets even angrier at me.

Outcome 3: he says no and it’s awkward.

 _New Goal_ : get Sokka to spar with me.

I’ve decided to spend more time in the rest of the temple instead of just my room, so I will almost only note my progress here at night. I’m not letting everyone know I’m writing a diary.

Not that this is a diary, of course, but I admit it could look like that, from an outsider’s perspective.

 _To-do list for the evening_ : help Katara with her chores, carry Toph around, make tea for everyone, tell some of Uncle’s jokes.

 _New Goal_ : remember Uncle’s jokes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read, left a kudos or commented on the first chapter!!!  
> I loved your comments!!!  
> Now about this thing I'm writing... I'm keeping Zuko's interactions with the Gaang short and simple for now, because he isn't really friends with anyone and it would take some time for them to overcome the awkardness. I'm taking it slow.  
> Hope the occasional shift to third person doesn't bother anyone!


	3. Why you should let Zuko cook

Hello, Zuko here.

I don’t know why I keep saying that. Who else would be writing here anyways?

I guess it will help me tell different days apart if I ever need to re-read.

 _New Accomplishment_ : I recalled part of one of Uncle’s jokes. They aren’t as funny if you don’t remember the whole bit, but in the end the group was laughing all the same. More at me than with me, but what’s new?

The person I spend the most time with is definitely Toph, and I’m fine with that. We’ve even sparred today, and I held my own for a long time. She says she’s won, but as I see it, it’s a tie. After we’d finished sparring she sat next to me, and we talked about Aang’s training. She told me about how hard it was to make him acquire a eartbender’s mentality, and I told her it’s even harder with fire, of which the main purpose is _offensive._ We came to the conclusion that Earth and Fire are pretty similar, and that’s why we’d sparred so well together. At the end, I had gained enough courage to ask her what in Agni’s name she means when she says she sees with her feet.

She laughed, and explained it the best she could.

Now I feel pretty stupid for thinking she could tell my hair was black with her feet and stuff like that.

When we got back to the others, Sokka was showing off the giant eggs he’d managed to find for dinner and I took the chance to offer to cook. Eggs are easy enough.

Katara yelled for a good three minutes, but I’ll sum up her answer: no.

Toph, Aang and Haru (who is pretty cool) got on my side and told Katara she always cooks, and she must be tired, and it was nice of me to offer, and it’s not like I can kill someone with eggs and rice.

Katara scuffed and mumbled something about them being traitors (or _cat-gators_ , but I think it was the first one) and consented to let me cook under her strict supervision.

She kept giving me instructions and scold me for no reason, so I got fed up and half-shouted that I knew how to cook eggs, and she wholly-shouted “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know Fire Nation princes cooked their own food” and I didn’t say anything back because the whole “oh, Zuko I bet you were so spoiled and catered to” is getting old. Maybe they don’t know me well, but do I seriously look like a delicate, sheltered prince?

What about my face says “wow, I bet his life was so easy and fun!”?

After our little banter, Katara got up and stormed out of the room, and I yelled “What about your _strict supervision_?” to her back.

She did not laugh. In fact, I don't think she finds me funny at all. A shocking discovery.

I should have made more of an effort with her. I can admit she’s right not to trust me, but I wish she would simply ignore me like her brother does. Also, I kind of care what she thinks of me. She trusted me to do the right thing, I disappointed her and it stings.

Anyways my _planner_ is not the place to talk about that.

Katara aside, things have been going better than expected. It’s too soon to say that, and it will probably backfire, but that’s how I feel. Perhaps the universe has decided to pay me back after years of letting my life go to shit because I’ve made one good decision. Perhaps it’s giving me a moment to breathe while it plans another explosive, creative, entertaining way to make my life go to shit.

Who knows.

 _Update_ : The weird monkey who is always attached to the Avatar’s hip has just broken into my room.

Now it’s on my bed.

Now it’s on my chest.

Now it’s on-

It just ripped the end of the previous page.

Tiny monster.

 _New Goal_ : get the monkey out of my room.

* * *

Toph liked Zuko for several reasons.

For a start, she hadn’t been ordered to wash _one_ thing since he’d joined the group. He was wrapped around Sweetness’ finger and tried to make her happy as often as possible, and that meant he did more chores than one of her mother’s servants.

(She wasn’t sure what had happened in Ba Sing Se between those two, but it felt personal.)

In the second place, it was fun to talk to and spar with. His sarcasm was harder to pick on than Sokka’s and he could have used some improvement in the general conversation department, but once you were used to it, the dude was hilarious.

The third reason was that dinners had become _so much fun_. Katara and him argued on a daily basis, Aang tried to pacify them, Sokka teased Zuko until he was out of his mind and she enjoyed the free entertainment.

The Duke, despite whatever his previous friends thought, had taken quite a liking to Zuko, and he was costantly showering him with questions.

Zuko, quick to anger and closed off, was shockingly sweet with the Duke. He filled any doubt the kid had with patience, speaking with a soft, soothing tone.

She found herself learning so much about Zuko and his home by simply listening carefully. Zuko loved turtleducks. Fire Nation people often slept on the floor during summer because it became too hot to lay in a regular bed. He had a sweet tooth. He drew fairly well (Sokka had scowled at that). There was a corridor in the Fire Nation palace that most servants considered haunted by spirits. Zuko’s mom was beautiful, had his dark hair and his small nose, and liked music and theatre.

At the end of every meal, the Duke would sit next to Zuko and ask. Zuko would answer, and they would listen, and, slowly, they had started to learn.

Toph hadn’t known Zuko before, and she still missed many pieces of the puzzle, but she liked the boy who was there with them, and she knew the others were starting to like him, too.

* * *

Hello, Zuko here.

The little kid who used to be part of Jet’s group keeps asking me questions. In the beginning I thought he was trying to understand if I was really on their side, or something like that, but somewhere between “ _How many girlfriends did you have?_ ” and “ _Do firebenders really set their hair on fire while they sleep?_ ” I got the hint. He’s not interrogating me, he’s genuinely curios. Kids are like that, sometimes.

The truth is, I like kids. They are cool. They deserve their questions answered and their feelings honored. Agni knows that would have helped me. Or Azula. Or Mai.

Other than my newly formed friendship with a eight year old kid, today has been uneventful.

 _New Failure:_ I did NOT get the weird monkey out of my room. He sleeps on my bed all the time, and cuddles up next to me as often as he can. I gave up, and we reached a tentative truce. He likes me because I’m warm, I guess. Whatever.

 _New Failure_ : I did NOT ask Sokka to spar. Not yet at least.

 _Yet another Failure_ : the chores are only partially working with Katara. We still bicker a lot. I try not to clap back as much as I can, but damn, what did she mean with “ _You breathe too hard_ ”?

I thought that maybe I should apologize. I never outright apologized for Ba Sing Se and the pirates. Agni, the pirates… that was embarrassing.

Why Uncle didn’t just SLAP some sense into me is beyond my comprehension. I would go back in time and knock my old self out.

 _New goal_ : apologize to Katara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you to everyone who is reading/commenting this story!  
> I hope Katara isn’t coming across as “too mean”, as if I didn’t like her or thought she is in the wrong. I totally don’t! I’m simply trying to keep her in character, and she does get a bit irrational when she’s angry. And that’s totally fine, it means she’s human. Her feelings are valid.  
> Oh, and I’m aware Momo is a lemur and not a monkey. Zuko’s not.


	4. Why you should let Zuko sulk

They were kneeling on the grass, just outside the temple, washing sheets in silence. The “washing” mostly consisted of soaking them and scrubbing them vigorously, because they had no soap and more pressing matters to think about, but Katara had still insisted it was better than nothing.

It was a moment as good as any other.

“Katara?”

He looked at her back straightening as she stiffened. 

He had only said her name, and he was already starting to believe it had been a very bad idea. Damn him and his not-diary.

“What?” she pressed him, after a minute of silence.

“I-“ he struggled to find the words, “I don’t think I ever apologized to you. Personally. About… about your necklace.”

“My necklace,” she repeated flatly.

“It was important for you and I-“ he was stammering, “I shouldn’t have used it to track you and blackmail you. And, uhm, sorry about what happened in Ba Sing Se, but-“

She got up, and got Sokka’s sheets out of the stream. He felt pretty pathetic.

“Can you dry them?”

Zuko blinked. “What?”

Katara pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. He briefly thought she reminded him of Mai.

“The sheets. Can you dry them?”

He nodded quickly and took the sheets in his hands.

“So, about what I said…”

“Just dry the sheets, Zuko,” she interrupted him ( _again_ ), but she didn’t sound angry at all.

“You could bend the water out of the sheets,” he observed lamely.

“They would still be humid. Also, _I_ did the scrubbing.”

She had the tiniest smile on her lips.

* * *

Hello, Zuko here.

Maybe eleven-year-old me was wise beyond his years because: girls are crazy. I stand by what I said.

Today I apologized to Katara about her necklace and she ordered me to dry her stupid sheets and turned away. What was that? Yes? No? Shut up? Agni damn you and your entire progeny?

We’ll never know.

~~New Goal: figure girls out.~~

Okay, no, I scratched that. Might as well surrender.

Time for lunch, then another lesson with Aang, then the usual madness. It’s going to be a long day.

.

Update: SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED.

 _New Accomplishment_ : Aang breathed some fire for the first time.

I’m pretty proud. I think I’m an okay teacher, nothing comparable to my Uncle or the instructors Azula and I had in the palace, but still passable.

Still, I didn’t think Aang would get so good so fast. I have mixed feelings, because a good part of me is… jealous. Yes, I said that.

If not in my own non-diary, where else?

It took me _so long_ to be a decent fire bender, and after the scar I had to start over my whole training, and I’m still the weakest bender in my family. It took Aang so little to get where I got in more than a year. On a purely objective point of view, that’s great. Aang needs to be a flawless firebender to defeat my father. On a personal point of view, I need to sit with the idea for a while.

I decided to get some time alone to sulk in peace as it’s my Agni given right, so I went to see Appa because 1) he’s much better than the monkey, 2) I figured the other wouln’t find me in his part of the temple and 3) he’s usually happy to see me.

Wow, I had never said this about ANYONE before.

Appa has claimed an empty room of the temple, where we’ve put an industrial amount of hay and a couple of blankets. When I’m in a bad mood, he lets me boil on his fur. Another good reason we get along is that I don’t need to talk to be his friend, and that just sold the deal. I enjoy my silence.

My plans blew up when I found Katara in the room, brushing his fur, humming blissfully. I immediately tried to walk away and find another spot to occupy (quite unhappily because that’s MY spot!), but Appa noticed me and roared.

As someone who is NOT a sky bison expert, but has spent some time around Appa both as an enemy an as an ally, I got the basics of his language. He has the “ _I’m nervous and scared get me out of here_ ” roar, the “ _HI AANG!!_ ” roar, the “ _someone is petting me_ ” roar which sounds more like a really loud purr, the “ _I don’t speak human, so whatever_ ” roar and the “ _ehi, you!_ ” roar.

This was a “ _ehi, you!_ ” roar.

Katara turned around and her smile fell, but she didn’t look as angry as she usually does.

I apologized and told her I was just looking for somewhere to be alone. She narrowed her eyes and asked me why I needed to be alone. Lying is absolutely useless in this group (and I’m quite incapable at it), so I told her that I was a bit bummed Aang will probably be better than me at fire bending in a year or so. I softened the explanation as much as possible because I didn’t want her to think my jealousy will lead me to kill Aang in his sleep or something. We’ve made progress and I’ll hold on to it.

She surprised me, because her expression became understanding and she sighed.

She told me she had felt the same way when she had started to teach Aang waterbending, because Aang had gotten the basics almost immediately, while it had taken her quite a long time.

“That was one of the reasons why I stole the waterbending scroll from the pirates,” she said. “I wanted to learn as much as possible to catch up with him.”

And then I came to ruin the party. Will that pirate story ever leave me alone?

Anyways, I was surprised by her words, because she didn’t strike me as the jealous type.

She looked quite ashamed, so I told her she shouldn’t fear anyone overshadowing her, because her waterbending is great. She gave me another small smile.

It feels pretty good to make her smile. I don’t know.

She huffed and conceded that if Appa’s room was my usual sulking place then I could stay, which was her way to tell me “thanks, you’re an okay bender too”, and I never say no to a victory.

I napped on Appa’s fur in peace while she brushed him and hummed another song, and it was nice. She was relaxed and lost in her thoughts, and for a second I thought she was really pretty.

 _New Accomplishment_ : Katara and I are amicable with each other.

That’s not all.

I finally asked Sokka to spar!

At dinner, Aang was telling the story of that time I saved him from Zhao, so the topic shifted to my use of the swords. I shuddered and said I had trained under Master Piandao for a while, then taught myself anything else (maybe I bragged a little bit).

Sokka looked very interested, and jumped at the mention of Master Piandao.

He exclaimed Piandao had trained him too, and I hid my surprise (because seriously what? where? how do they find the time to do any random thing they want?), and took the occasion.

I casually said “Well, we can spar some time if you want” and he said “okay.”

It was THAT easy, uh?

So tomorrow I have two lessons with Aang, a sparring session with Sokka, and one with Toph because she got kinda jealous and didn’t want to feel left out. Haru said he would join us because he’s almost never used earthbending as a weapon.

So many people will willingly spend time with me.

Scared and nervous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> This is my favorite chapter so far, and it was so fun to write. I love to think that Zuko and Katara actually had bonding moments even before The Southern Raiders, but not as deep to convince Katara to let go. Imo, after the Boiling Rock, she did trust Zuko at least about his loyalties, but still not enough to be friends with him or forgiving him. She trusted him to be on their side, but not on a personal level, if that makes sense.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos or commented!!


	5. Why Zuko should wear a shirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was getting too good at regular every-five-days updates, I guess. But here I am. Enjoy :)

Hello, Zuko here.

 _New Accomplishment_ : I sparred with Sokka! It went well.

After my lesson with Aang, he came with his super cool sword and we fought.

He was a bit embarrassed, because he had only trained for a little while, but I was impressed by how much he’d managed to learn in only a few days.

I said so, and he looked very happy.

If there’s something I’ve learned, it’s that it doesn’t take much to make good people happy. It’s weird, because I’ve always let myself believe my own happiness was an unreacheable goal, and that there was only one man in the world able to give it back to me, while having no intention to.

Aang is happy with little. Sokka is, too. It’s a foreign concept, but a beautiful one.

I’m definitely disgressing.

As I was saying, Sokka and I sparred, and I won all the times, but he wasn’t a bad match. He has some raw talent.

Is there anyone in this group who isn’t a prodigy? I had to work tooth and nail for every achievement of my life! Ugh.

After our session, we sat next to each other, drank mango juice and talked about weapons and war because, I quote, _we are men and we like manly stuff_. He was sitting so close our shoulders touched.

That’s another thing I noticed about the Avatar’s group: they touch a lot. I’m not used to that. In the Fire Nation, people are not much about physical contact, or hugs, or six people sitting all in the same spot because they like to be close. Nevertheless, that’s what happens here and I'm getting accustomed to it. Sokka and I discussed about fighting styles and the advantages of benders and non-benders, and somehow the conversation drifted towards the invasion.

When I had arrived to the Western Air Temple, I had been secretely expecting many more people and I was relieved to find out there were only a few kids.

I really don’t need some other hundreds of people to convince about my loyalties. I’m having a hard enough time as it is.

For the first time, though, I actually asked myself where everyone was. I asked Sokka, and immediately wished I could have taken it back, worried that we were about to cross the line between "friendly small talk" and "my friend died at your father's hand".

If someone had died at the invasion because of my family, I would have buried myself alive in shame and never got out.

Sokka’s face darkened and he told me about how they’d failed to find my father and had to let the adults surrender to the Fire Nation army so the kids could escape. When he got to that part, he looked like he wanted to ask me something, but thought better of it.

I’m relieved they were taken as prisoners. More chances to see them again, some day.

* * *

“It was so cool, dude! I had never watched a firebender so up close!” Haru said.

Theo’s eyes widened and he nodded. “Usually, if you’re close enough to feel the heat, you’re in danger," he observed wisely.

Katara kept distractingly exercising. She was knee-deep in the stream, wearing the white tunic she used for waterbending practice, and definitely not listening to what Haru and Theo were saying about Zuko.

It was hypocritical on her side to judge them for trusting Zuko not to grill them like one of Sokka’s fishes, because she had done the same barely a day prior, but oh, well.

She didn’t know why she had been so cool about Zuko napping on Appa, and them having a nice conversation.

Maybe his awkard apology had worked at least a bit. Maybe he’d looked so lost and harmless she hadn’t had the heart to kick him out (could she have done that? It wasn’t even her room.)

Maybe, and that was a giant, enormous maybe, she was getting used to his quiet help, his hands next to hers as they did their chores, the costant heat coming off his body as they sat close to each other.

Yes, she decided finally, she was still angry at Zuko, and they weren’t friends, but she had learned to stomach his presence quite well.

She sat on the edge of the river and stared at the water. Two new voices had joined Theo’s and Haru’s. “Sokka’s good. I wasn’t nearly as capable as him after only a few days of training.”

Zuko.

“I taught myself some stuff,” Sokka replied to that. He didn’t sound as his usual bragging self, more as if he was actually flustered and pleasantly surprised by the praise.

Katara knew the feeling.

_Your waterbending is great!_

Tui and La, she was overthinking her only semi-civil interaction with Zuko so much. She angrily formed a big wave and splashed it down.

 _Think about something else_.

Haru asked Zuko something more about their training, but she wasn’t listening anymore, focused on the new waterbending move she wanted to teach Aang. She could still hear the boys' voices as background noise, catching a few words here and there.

“-think I’m going to take a bath now.”

_Wait, what?_

A second later, a shirtless Zuko came in sight. 

They stared at each other for what felt like an hour, then he came back to the living world and made a muffled noise.

“Sorry! Um, I’ll do that later.”

“It’s fine,” she forced herself to say, because she’d seen all the boys shirtless before and _refused_ to believe the sight of Zuko could be different in any way.

If it hadn’t been weird to see Haru and Aang, then it wasn’t weird to see Zuko. At all. Totally.

He had two arms and one chest like any other guy she'd seen, and she would have not spared even a glance to them, hadn't the circumstances forced her.

Besides, he was sweaty, and his hair was a mess.

“I was almost done anyways.”

Zuko nodded, but he was the slightest bit red, and Katara couldn’t help but think he was cute. Then she cursed herself and left.

* * *

Hello, Zuko here.

Today I walked on Katara again, but this time I didn’t have my shirt on.

We stared at each other for something like an hour. I don’t know what happened. I don’t like people staring at me, but I kinda had to get over it a long time ago, considering what my face has going on, so I never had that much of a problem with being seen shirtless.

I was pretty embarrassed with Katara, though. Maybe it’s because she’s a girl and I don’t know her well.

Speaking of which, I had never seen her with her hair completely down. It suited her. Objectively.

Yes, that was irrelevant. I fear I’m running out of stuff to write now that things are pretty calm. And- oh, no, the monkey is here again.

He curled up on my chest. Again. 

.

Update: whatever Sokka says, he did NOT walk on me playing with the monkey.

I was wiggling my pen thinking about what to write, and I guess he was enchanted by the movement, so he started to try and grab it. And yes, it was fun to put it out of his reach everytime he jumped, but that doesn't mean I was playing with him, and if Sokka ever tells a soul I’m denying everything.

Sokka shouldn’t be bursting into my room in the first place!

He barged in, and he was like “Aaaw, are you playing with Momo?”, and I said NO, and told him to get out.

He said he had something important to ask me at dinner, and we had to make sure no one heard us. This piqued my curiosity. He had wanted to ask me something this morning, too, I think.

I’ll report back here what he tells me. I really wonder what’s so urgent, and why the others can’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a filler chapter, but I'm happy because the next one is The Boiling Rock and boy, do things escalate starting from there (both here and in the actual show).  
> PS: yes, the shirtless scene is a giant clichè. What can I say, I'm here for a good time.  
> Thank you thank you for the love and the comments <3


	6. Why you should bring Zuko on a deadly mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My longest chapter yet! Hope you enoy :)

Hello, Zuko here.

So, as promised, after dinner Sokka led me away from the rest of the group and asked me if I could answer some of his questions.

He asked me what my father would do with new prisoners, and I immediately got where he was going.

I didn’t want to tell him that, _well, first of all, maybe they won't even be alive,_ so I told him about the Boiling Rock, the most important and well known prison in the country. The Boiling Rock is also, according to the stories, the worst place in the world. And _of course_ it had to be in the Fire Nation.

I don’t want to hate my home, but Agni, aren’t they making it easy. To think I wanted to be the Firelord! I say no, thank you.

Sokka asked me some more about the Boiling Rock, how to get there and if completely hypothetical prisoners of war could be found there. It was very obvious that he wanted to walk head first into some monumental mistake (because when they say that _no one_ has ever escaped from the Boiling Rock they mean it), but he denied any plan he might have had and said he was _only curious_ , and that _even just knowing made him feel better_.

Seriously, does he think I’m stupid?

I mean, yeah, he probably does. Jokes on you, Sokka, I’m not!

And I’m the expert of walking into a gigantic problem while ignoring the consequences, so where does he think he’s going without me?

 _New Goal_ : catch Sokka red-handed and convince him to let me go with him.

.

Update: I’m leaving in a few minutes so this is going to be short.

 _New Accomplishment_ : managed to stop Sokka from leaving alone.

 _New Goals_ : well, where to start. Get to the Boiling Rock, enter the Boiling Rock, find Sokka’s father, come up with a getaway plan, leave the Boiling Rock, all while being two of the most wanted people in the Nation. Voluntarily walking into a prison. With guards. At my father’s service.

Let’s be honest, it will be an absolute miracle if I ever write on this non-diary again.

I feel guilty over leaving Aang and Toph and the Duke and Appa and Momo like this, but I can’t let Sokka go alone in good conscience, now that I know of his plans.

I hope Katara won’t cry over my dead body too much.

Goodbye, non-diary.

* * *

Sokka didn’t want Zuko there.

He wasn’t scared of him anymore, and if he needed to be completely honest with himself, he didn’t really believe he was going to betray them either. He still hadn’t left his guard down, but it was getting easier and easier to get used to Zuko’s presence.

Zuko was quiet, and cooked decently. He told nice stories (or at least the content of the stories was nice, the performance could have used some improvement), got along with Toph, complimented his swordmanship and did most of the chores. He was also totally playing with Momo the previous night, and that had been cute.

He still didn’t want Zuko on a mortal, reckless mission with him, especially if it involved staring at each other in silence on a war balloon.

And it did.

Zuko’s hair covered a part of his face, making his scar more evident than usual.

And it was evident. Damn if it was. Sokka made an effort to tear his eyes away. Zuko always avoided the others’ gaze. It was rude to stare. It would have been even more rude to _ask_ , so he didn’t.

“Pretty clouds,” he said, in the end, and cringed. _Pretty clouds, Sokka, really?_

“Yeah,” Zuko replied, distractingly, “fluffy”.

Sokka focused on the engine of the balloon to hide his smile. _Fluffy_.

Zuko certainly wasn’t a poet, but Sokka had never been one for silence, so he kept the conversation going.

* * *

“That’s rough, buddy.”

He couldn’t believe his ears.

“That’s what you say to someone who just told you what I told you?”

Zuko bit his lip, embarrassed.

“I… I don’t even know what you mean.”

“What I said. My girlfriend turned into the moon. Became the moon. The moon was my girlfriend.”

“Yes, but how- never mind.”

* * *

Sokka felt like the luckiest man in the world, and that was ironic, considering he was in the middle of the Fire Nation maximum security prison.

“That’s Suki!”

“Who is Suki now?”

“My girfriend!”

“I thought she’d turned into the moon!”

Zuko was pretty funny when he didn’t mean to be.

“Now we know this trip hasn’t been a waste of time,” he was trying not to jump for the excitement. “We need to free Suki.”

Zuko glanced at him, and remained silent.

Sokka half expected him to refuse. To get angry. To shout “ _we came here to free an important prisoner of war, we’ve already risked enough, I’m not doing this for your stupid girlfriend_ ”.

Instead, he nodded like he’d been asked to bring some hay to Appa. “Okay.”

* * *

“You know Prince Zuko?”

“The son of the Firelord? I don’t know him but I know of him.”

“Well, he’s here too.”

He didn’t realize that wouln’t feel like good news to a Water tribe person who wasn’t him or Katara until his father’s face fell and he sighed.

“Well, that sounds like a major problem.”

“Actually, he’s on our side now.”

If Sokka had learned something with this spirits-forsaken mission, it was that Zuko was stubborn and loyal to a cause until his last breath. His desperate, costant attempts to capture the Avatar made much more sense now that he knew Zuko. He would have jumped into a fire pit before he gave up on something he felt was his duty.

Having him on your side was not, and would never be, a “major problem”.

He’d followed him to the Boiling Rock, accepted to disguise himself as a prisoner, voluntarily got into some kind of torture room for Firebenders and faced an angry Suki. That was some dedication.

With all of that in mind, when his father stared at him with suspicion and with an unsaid question stamped on his face, Sokka took Zuko’s defense.

“Yeah, I know, I had the same reaction. After everything he’s done it was hard to trust him, but he’s really proven himself and I never would have found you without his help.”

Saying it out loud made him realize how true that was. It blew a little to admit it, but Zuko had been fundamental in his plan. They made a great team, and he was grateful for the unconditional support. Zuko had trusted him long before the feeling had been mutual.

His father shrugged. “I trust your judgement. So, do we have a plan?”

 _Oh, shit_. The plan. Sokka groaned.

* * *

“Are you okay, buddy?”

Since their conversation in the war ballon, they’d taken a liking to calling each other “buddy”.

Zuko was sitting on the ground (he sat on the ground _a lot_ ), with his knees to his chest, and his head bowed. He hadn’t joined the general euphoria on the airship, and didn’t look like someone who’d successfully escaped the world’s worst prison.

One week ago, Sokka would have let him sulk and enjoyed the victory. Now, he wanted Zuko to join them, and relax.

“It’s nothing. Just… Mai.”

His gloomy ex-girlfriend.

“What about her?”

“I left her. With a stupid letter! And even while I was with her, I was a horrible boyfriend. She still sacrificed everything she had to save me. I feel like shit about it.”

If Zuko was even half as loyal and dedicated to his girlfriend as he was with everyone and everything else, Sokka strongly doubted he’d been “a horrible boyfriend”, but that was beside the point.

“My father left us to fight the war, two years ago, but I still did everything in my power to save him, didn’t I?”

Zuko ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.

“But that’s different! He had a good reason and he’s your father! You love him.”

This boy was something else.

“You had a good reason too! You’re literally helping the Avatar save the world! And Mai loves you too, if she risked so much to keep you safe. How is it any different?”

Zuko shifted his sitting position, and crossed his arms stubbornly. “I didn’t deserve what she did for me.”

“You don’t have to pay a fee to be loved by someone, you know?”

Sokka was beginning to suspect that maybe, just maybe, Zuko’s childhood had sucked, and he’d never had friends before them.

Zuko still wasn’t giving up on his “I deserved to be left to rot” crusade.

“She’s not even my girlfriend anymore! Why would she-“ Sokka tapped his mouth with his hand. Zuko gave him a death stare.

“i’m not your girlfriend either, but if you were in danger I also would risk Azula’s wrath to save you.”

Sokka removed his hand and smiled, satisfied with his valid point.

“Really?”

“Really. Now come and celebrate with our cellmates.”

Zuko smiled back, and accepted the hand he was offering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit different than usual because, for logical reasons, Zuko couldn't have brought his non-diary with him to the Boiling Rock.  
> I hope you liked the quick jumps from scene to scene. Everyone knows what happened in the Boiling Rock, so I didn't re-write the whole two episodes, and focused on the development of the relationship between Sokka and Zuko.  
> Thank you for reading, kudoing and commenting!


	7. Why you should trust Zuko

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay. I wish all my professors a very fuck you.

Hello, Zuko here.

Agni almighty, I don’t even know where to start.

 _New Accomplishment_ : managed to get into the Boiling Rock AND get out with Sokka’s dad and girlfriend. And Chit Sang.

 _Another new accomplishment_ : Suki and Hakoda already tolerate my presence without the need of a mega trip with them, which is awesome and convenient. They also spontaneously told me their names!

New Failure: me as a boyfriend!!! I haven’t mentioned Mai much on this non-diary (see?? a failure boyfriend), but she’s still one of the most important people in my life, and I let her down in every way possible. Despite that, she betrayed Azula and saved our collective asses. For me! No one had ever done anything this big for me, except Uncle. I hope she is safe. Much can be said about Azula, but she must have held some affection for her friends. She can’t have possibly demanded an execution.

Right?

What makes me feel even guiltier is that, to be honest, I don’t know what will happen to us if we ever see each other again. Our relationship was difficult, and I doubt I can give her what she needs. We loved each other, in a way, but it’s easy to love someone when they are the only person in the Fire Nation (or in the whole world, in her case) you can stand being around. Our relationship looks more and more like a survival tactic, and Mai deserves someone who is in completely. Someone who is ready to build a future with her, and if I have to be true to myself, I know I’m not.

I have no idea what will be of me at all, truly. Assuming my Uncle takes his rightful place on the throne, what will I do? Wander around as a bored crown prince? Been there, done that. Would not recommend. I would set off and travel around the world, if I hadn’t already seen most of it in the past three years.

This is all assuming my father doesn’t fry us all before my “future” can even begin.

Failure boyfriend, failure prince and failure nephew. Apparently successful prison evader, though.

Can you make a career out of that?

I’m dwelling on all this stuff, so let’s go on.

As I was saying, we escaped the Boiling Rock, got almost killed by Azula, Mai saved us, we got back here and Sokka is officially my friend.

When we got out of the war airship we stole from my country (because I’m patriotic), Katara literally jumped in her father’s arms. She was estathic. She even thanked me!

After she’d hugged her dad and Suki, and shook Chit Sang’s hand because she’s a polite girl, she came to me and nodded her head stiffly. She said “Thank you, I guess”, and I stood still like a statue (like an idiot).

For a second of stupidity, I was disappointed she hadn’t hugged me too. I don’t know what the hell that was. Let’s wisely ignore it.

After that, Aang came to me and hugged me, so I guess my wish was fulfilled in other ways. It was very cute. Since we’ve become friends, Aang hugs me often.

Now, he’s calling me for dinner, so Sokka and I can properly tell the others the story of our manly quest, meaning he will embellish and exaggerate our prowess and bravery and I will shut up and let him lie because that’s what friends do.

Also, I have to admit we were pretty good.

* * *

Suki didn’t really know what to think of Zuko, except that any anger or ill intention she might have felt towards him had _volatilized_ the moment he'd helped her escape that hell on Earth. Maybe she was being too generous with her forgiveness (Katara had sworn up and down she was still furious with him despite everything he’d done to win her over) but she didn’t particularly care. She’d always followed her quick and efficient “when to like people” guide: can they fight? Do they want to kill you? All she needed was a yes to the first and a no to the second. After that, she was down to be everyone’s ally.

Ally. Not friend. And allies didn’t visit each other’s bedrooms before going to sleep, so what was Zuko doing there?

“Can I come in?”

He was fidgeting awkardly with his hands and staring at the ground. His dark hair covered half of his face. With a shrudder, Suki thought he had to be used to trying to hide his face.

“Sure,” she said, in the end.

He stepped in awkardly.

“I just wanted… you know, uhm. Yeah. To make sure we’re good. To apologize, I guess,” he muttered.

Suki felt a laugh building in her throat and pushed it down. She didn’t want to be rude in Zuko’s face, but this was painful to watch. One would think a Prince would be more keen on diplomacy and speeches, but everytime she’d exchanged a conversation with Zuko he’d looked so distressed.

“Of course we’re good, Zuko. Sokka likes you, and you helped me,” she answered, gently.

Zuko found the wall behind her head to be of utmost interest.

“But your village…I mean, if I can repay you somehow, I will.”

Suki knew her expression was softening greatly, but she couldn’t help it. Repay her? He had no power, status or money. Everything he had, his knowledge, his fighting skills, his courage, he’d already put to use for the Avatar. She admired his desire to make ammends for the hurt he’d caused, but her village was doing fine, and she wouldn’t ask anything of him she knew would only add another weight on his shoulders.

She reached for Zuko’s hand and squeezed it. “Thank you, Zuko. Most of the damage has already been taken care of, but I appreciate it so much.”

And she appreciated how he’d been a man, had come to her and taken his responsibility and offered to make up for it.

Zuko returned her handshake.

* * *

Hello, Zuko here.

I am NOT a champion of eloquence, that much is clear.

I was going back to my bedroom after dinner when I heard Katara and Suki talk about me, and as the honorable man I am I kept walking without interfering in their private business as friends.

Nah. You talk about me, I’m listening. That’s the rule.

They were in Suki’s room, talking about boys and weapons or whatever girls talk about, and I caught Suki saying my name in a questioning tone.

Katara scoffed and said “No!”

Suki replied something I din’t quite get about me, Sokka and prisons, but Katara dismissed anything she was attempting to say and said “I STILL don’t trust him”.

I can’t explain what I felt. Annoyance, mainly. I thought what I’d done was enough for me to earn, if not her trust, her respect. I went alone with Aang on a trip and came back and Aang still had all the pieces!

I also felt the tiniest bit hurt. I enjoy existing within Katara. There’s something peaceful, and sweet about hearing her fuss over her friends and hum her songs. It feels right. For a moment, I had deluded myself into thinking she could have felt the same way about existing near _me_.

And my pride was hurt, because I respect Katara. She’s a hell of a fighter, she’s the glue that holds the group together, she’s determined, compassionate and overall really cool, and as much as it stings to admit it, I want her to like me.

Ugh.

Katara and Suki talked about me for a little while, and Katara reminded Suki of that time I burned her village, maybe to convince her she was letting me off the hook too easily.

I got over my hurt feelings about Katara not trusting me to enter a new, exciting stage of feelings: shame and regret! My favorite.

I decided I would come back in a little while to apologize, and make sure Suki and I were good. I had just started to walk again, when Katara opened the door.

I need to stop spying on people and failing to notice when their conversation is ending. I turned to her and played indifference.

Katara stared right at me. Her eyes are dark blue, and they do their job when it comes to staring at people like she wants to bare your soul.

“Were you listening to us?” she asked me.

I babbled something about coming back from Aang’s room because he had some doubts about firebending, then I thought I should get a grip and told her I wouldn’t care about her chattering anyway.

She scowled and turned to leave, muttering a good night.

Why is she so confusing?

_Yes I hate you, no actually let’s chill on Appa together, ew stay away from me, help me with my chores, thank you for saving my dad, no I don’t trust you, night Zuko!_

What am I supposed to do with this?

What do I even want to do?

 _New Goal:_ figure myself out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is eh, but I didn't want to wait anymore to post it, and I might revisit it later on.  
> It's just Zuko having an existential crisis for 1400+ words straight, but still.  
> Happy 2021 to everyone! I know the news in these past couple of days have been hard to bear, and life has been generally a mess for a long while now. I try to stay hopeful about what the future will bring us.  
> Love you all and thank you for your kind comments <3


	8. Why Zuko acts like an old man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo! I didn't have much time to proof-read this, so forgive any mistake. Sorry for the wait <3

Hello, Zuko here.

I’m in such a good mood, after today.

Aang and I have resumed our training a couple of days ago. Something tells me that when I was gone he didn’t do his homework as costantly and carefully as I expected him to, but he’s not too behind. I try not to think of the fact that I can, at best, bring him to my level, while he’d need much more than _my_ level to beat the Firelord.

If Azula had been the one on Aang’s side, he would get to the Fire Capital spitting meteorites.

This train of thoughts always brings to the brink of insanity, so I shut it out. He’s the Avatar, he was born to do it, he will do it. There is no other possible ending.

Aang doesn’t seem to share my concerns. He just does not think about it. That seems to be the strategy here: don’t think about it until a minute before it happens.

Today, Hakoda came to watch a part of our lesson.

Seriously, why do people do that? Can’t they see it’s awkward?

I suppose Chief Hakoda has really nothing else to do here, with none of his men, stuck with a bunch of teenagers and one firebender who is here for no reason at all (who is, incredibly, not me!), so I understand. My first days here I spent a great amount of time staring at my room’s wall.

He also told me what everyone else has told me, that is “you know, I never really watched firebending so closely without fearing for my life”, and I replied he was welcome to observe. First, because I don’t like saying no to adults, second, because it doesn’t really change my life, third, because I feel very bad that so many people find it normal to only have seen firebending in deadly situations.

When Aang left to go get his ass kicked by Toph, Hakoda came up to me. He noted that I was an excellent teacher, and I felt myself blush.

The chief looks like a very kind person, but there’s something about him that intimidates me. It’s not his appereance. He’s tall and buff, sure, but he’s a grown up version of Sokka: his demeanor is welcoming and relaxed, he has bright blue eyes, dark hair kept in a cool ponytail, and he smiles easily. I’ve had some time to notice he’s also quiet, commanding, stern and, according to Sokka’s stories, a great leader. Much like his kids, he’s one of those people that makes you want to be worthy of their respect, and I fear what he might have heard about me.

I didn’t expect to be praised by him. I thanked him, and he doubled on, saying I had been very brave to defy my father and help Aang. Call it “time-spent-with-Azula”, but I got where he was going. He wanted to understand the reasons why I had done such a thing and ponder over my motivations without downright asking me “ehy, why did you do it?”.

I answered his (implicit) question honestly. I explained to him my Uncle had always pushed me to learn the truth about the crimes my country was committing, and I had been blind, and kept trusting the Firelord. The shame in my voice when I brought up my Uncle must have been clear, because Hakoda reassured me. He said it’s totally normal for a kid to trust his Father and want to believe he’s in the right.

Katara assumes the best about others, always, and I’m starting to see where she got that from. I wanted to grip Hakoda’s shoulders and yell NO!! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!! because how could I be so stupid to believe the man who burned my face off could not only love me, but be right about anything?

I couldn’t tell him that, so I simply whispered I should have chosen the right path much earlier.

Hakoda sighed. “Zuko,” he said, “don’t you think this Uncle you speak about would be happy that you’re here now?”

Of course he would. That doesn’t mean I get a pass for all the shit I put him through. I pretty much told him that (without saying shit because I’m a polite boy): “I betrayed him, sir. I was horrible to him all the time, threw his help back in his face, and in the end I turned on him. Even if he was proud of me, he wouldn’t want to see me ever again.”

Hakoda leaned so he could look at me, and declared, with a very serious face, that he would forgive Sokka for eveything. No matter what, if Sokka was truly sorry, and worked to make up for what he’d done, he would forgive him.

I can’t wrap my head around this. Why? Why would you give someone another chance to hurt you?

Hakoda answered that he loves Sokka, and that he believes people can change, and I’m proof.

I nodded, even though I don’t believe it for a split second. What I did to Uncle can’t be compared to what I did to Aang’s group. We were enemies, while Uncle trusted and loved me.

Hakoda smiled at me, and I immediately thought of Katara because she also tilts her head to the side when she smiles, and that was irrelevant.

I promised I would think about what he’d said, and left.

Then I met Sokka, who tackled me to the ground as I was walking towards the stream, because that’s how he says “hi”.

Aang joined the party by letting himself fall on top of Sokka, and Toph did the same. I spent the rest of the day watching as Aang and Toph trained, with Momo on my head because that’s his new spot. Everyone else, except Hakoda and Chit Sang, who’d gone fishing, joined us, and there was somthing in the air that just made me so content. The Duke showered me in questions, Suki was braiding Katara’s hair, Theo and Sokka kept coming up with the worst jokes I’ve ever heard, Haru made tea for everyone. It was not as good as mine, but it felt like the best I had ever had.

We stayed there until dusk, and it was so beautiful.

Who knew a simple day like this could give me such happiness?

* * *

“Thank you for the help, Chit Sang.”

The man nodded. He was carrying a basket full of fishes on his shoulder, and didn’t seem bothered at all. He was impressively big, after all. Taller than Hakoda, and much larger. Quiet, too.

“It must be weird for you, seeing Prince Zuko here,” Hakoda insisted.

Chit Sang made a disbelieving noise. “Not really. I would have bet on him to do something of the sort.”

He didn’t elaborate, and Hakoda reflected on his words. Zuko had seemed like a really kind, polite lad, surely repentant of his past deeds, but according to his own words he had been on his father’s side until very recently. What gave Chit Sang the opposite impression?

His thoughts went to Zuko’s scar, and to the defensive stance he seemed to put up with everyone, and he shuddered. He’d heard of fathers, parents, who hurt their kids, but certainly not even a man as evil as the Firelord… no, he shouldn’t be making such speculations.

Hakoda didn’t want to pry into the boy’s business. It wasn’t right, and Zuko had shown him great respect. He would forget, he decided, at least for now.

.

Dinner was nice. The kids were obviously in a good mood, and everyone, even Zuko, smiled and joked with the others. Hakoda noticed his daughter didn’t seem to have warmed up to him as much as anyone else, and regarded him coldly, but didn’t think too much of it. Katara was proud, and could hold a grudge. Eventually, they would settle it on their own.

The small boy that everyone called the Duke went to bed soon, and Zuko offered to accompany him.

When Sokka was sure they were out of earshot, he chuckled.

“Zuko always goes to bed first. What an old man.”

“He also speaks like an old man,” Aang added, chewing cheerfully on his apple. “And I know that, I spent so much time with old men myself.”

Chit Sang, who’d always stayed silent, intervened: “His old Uncle was his only company for years.”

Toph stopped smiling and frowned. “What do you mean? He lived in a palace, right?”

“Of course not. He was banished when he was thirteen. It’s common knowledge, in the Fire Nation.”

This last response piqued everyone’s interest. No one said anything, but they all stared at him, confused and expectant. Even Katara leaned forward, her attention all for the man she’d barely acknwoledged until now.

Chit Sang looked as surprised as them. “You really don’t know?”

A few shook their heads. Chit Sang cast his eyes down. “Uhm. Well.”

Then, he started to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so: this wasn't supposed to end in a cliff-hanger, but I never want the chapters of this thingy to get too long, and I really wanted to post it, so here we are.  
> The Gaang is about to find out some parts of Zuko's past he'd have preferred to keep to himself, and that will have consequences on their relationship. You'll see.  
> No Zutara today, just some crumbles (much like the show, sigh). On the other hand, Zuko is happy! And I loved writing his dialogue with Hakoda.  
> Thank you to everyone who follows, kudo-es or reviews this! You make my day!!!  
> 


	9. Why Katara should try out spicy food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest you've ever waited for a chapter! I apologize. I've had two nightmarish weeks.

Chit Sang really didn’t look like he wanted to have that conversation.

Maybe, Sokka thought, he didn’t want to bring shame upon his Prince, and tell them how he’d gotten banished. As far as he knew, you needed to do somethig quite bad to get banished. Treason, or some serious crime. He tried to imagine a mini, sulking Zuko robbing the Fire Nation’s treasure and smiled. He shared his ridiculous idea with Suki, who giggled.

“I don’t know much,” Chit Sang started, as if to justify himself. “Everything happened in the Royal Palace, and most of us haven’t even walked past it. Servants and nobles gossip, though.”

“They also embellish and lie,” his father said. He’d never approved of tittle-tales, and liked to mind his own business. Sokka agreed, in his heart, but the curiosity overshadowed the small bubble of guilt he felt in his chest for going behind Zuko’s back.

“I told you, take this with a grain of salt,” Chit Sang replied, with a weird stiffness.

No, he definitely didn’t look like he was eager to share what he knew. Sokka was almost tempted to stop him, to interrupt him and say “okay, never mind, we get it, it’s not pretty”, but it felt too late.

After a moment of silence, Chit Sang went on.

“Apparently, Prince Zuko was let in a war council. That’s weird, because he was very young, but I wouldn’t put it past the Firelord.”

Many gasped at the open dislike in Chit Sang’s voice, and even he looked nervous, as if he expected a Fire Nation guard to come out of the bushes and arrest him. When it became clear that wasn’t going to happen, he picked up the story again.

“They clearly shouldn’t have let him participate, because he disrespected some kind of general and that got him into big trouble.”

Sokka and his sister glanced at each other. Disrespecting an elder, especially in public, was bad, that much they could understand, but to be banished for that? Their father would have given them a “I’m-very-disappointed-I-raised-you-better-than-this” look and asked them to apologize.

“Disrespected how?” asked Theo.

“I’m not sure, but most say he insulted his battle plan. The general wanted to use inexperienced soldiers as a bait and Zuko accused him of having no honor.”

Sokka smiled, and he wasn’t the only one. Toph and Suki clapped. Even Katara nodded approvingly.

Brave, foolish mini Zuko and his damned honor. Sokka felt immensely proud.

“And the Firelord got so angry that he banished him? For _this_?” Aang’s voice was full of disbelief.

“No,” Chit Sang shook his head, “the Prince was challenged to an Agni Kai. It’s a duel between firenders. He accepted, probably thinking he could take down the general. The established day he didn’t see the general facing him on the field, though,” he paused for a moment and lowered his voice, “ _he saw his own Father_.”

Sokka winced, and Suki squeezed his hand in response. He heard a few sudden exhales, and Toph murmured “what?”

A terrible, terrible suspicion was starting to weigh down Sokka’s mind.

“That’s where the rumors get confusing. The prince lost badly, that much is clear. Some say he was banished for losing so monumentally. Some that he outright refused to fight his father. Point is, he was dishonored, and couldn’t inherit the Throne anymore. I was surprised to see him at the Boiling Rock. No one knew what the hell he’d been up to,” Chit Sang concluded.

Aang processed his words, with a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Could this be the reason why he was so keen on capturing me? Maybe he believed his father would let him come home,” he said.

Sokka nodded. “Probably.”

He had no intentions of sharing his suspicions with the rest of the group.

Surely, it couldn’t be. A father would never hurt his son so terribly… but oh, didn’t it sound like a Firelord thing to do.

_“It’s like these people are born evil.”_

He caught a glimpse of Toph and Katara murmuring something, both looking distressed. Sokka knew Katara’s compassion had not limits. Even though she was still angry at Zuko, she was definitely hating the idea of a kid hurt and banished for doing the right thing.

His father looked the most troubled. Sokka tried to think of him banishing a little Katara for speaking out against him, little Katara never seeing home again, alone in the world, and wanted to throw up. He felt a wave of hate against Zuko’s sister: she didn’t seem to care at all.

“But,” Toph intervened, with a smaller voice than usual, “if his father was cruel with him, why did Zuko want to go back?”

Of course Toph would think that. Her parents weren’t nearly as evil as the Firelord could be, and she had still gotten herself out of their house as soon as she could.

Yet, Sokka remembered, she missed them. She felt guilty over leaving. Knowing Zuko, he’d felt that ten times over.

“Honor and family are essential, in the Fire Nation. He couldn’t have just accepted to be banished, it would have read as a sign of weakness,” Chit Sang answered her.

An uneasy silence settled upon the group. Clearly, Chit Sang didn’t have anything else to say, nor did anyone else.

No one knew how to get out of the situation they’d created, so maybe it was both a blessing and a curse when they heard Zuko’s voice behind their backs.

“Ehy. What did I miss?”

* * *

Hello, Zuko here.

Tonight was weird. I went to put the Duke to bed and when I came back everyone acted awkwardly. I don’t think they were expecting me to come back. They looked like I had caught them doing something they shouldn't have been doing.

Were they talking me about me? It must have been bad, then.

What did I do, now? Everytime it seems things are going well, something makes me doubt everything! Ugh.

 _New Goal_ : find out what they were saying about me.

Now that I think about it, some days ago I heard Suki and Katara talking about me, and it didn’t sound necessarily bad, at least on Suki’s side. Perhaps I’m overreacting.

About the last goal I set for myself, which was to figure myself out about Katara, I’m failing. I don’t know what it is that makes it so important that I make it up to her. Or maybe I know, but the answer is _unthinkable_. No, no, no, no. I know the universe hates me, and they might have a couple of reasons, but we’re _not_ doing that.

She HATES me!!!

She did act a bit nicer than usual when I got back to the campfire tonight, but I attribute that to the general weirdness of the group.

She was also nice when we washed sheets together, though. And when we chilled near Appa. And when I got back with her father. And in the catacombs, in Ba Sing Se.

It could be that being nice is her standar behavior and she has to make an effort to be angry with me. That would mean she’d be happy to forgive me, if I gave her a real reason to.

That’s the optimistic outcome. What if she’s determined to hate me forever, instead? What if the best we will ever come to is her barely tolerating me? What if she finds me annoying, a burden and useless?

She wouldn’t be the first, that’s for sure.

But it hurts, and I don’t know why.

* * *

Hello, Zuko here.

So, I found out _manly platonic cuddling_ is a thing. I walked on Sokka and Aang hugging on the grass. It’s good for your nerves, apparently. The only people I’ve ever cuddled with have been my mother and Mai, and I do recall that feeling good, but I have a reputation to uphold, so I scoffed and told them they were ridiculous.

I did NOT think of me cuddling on the grass with a girl whose name starts with K, because that’s not happening.

Anyways, today I want to help Katara to cook again, and I have a precise reason.

Chit Sang brought with him a few things from the Boiling Rock (prisoners aren’t allowed to keep much), but he managed to steal some typical Fire Nation peppers from the kitchen and he has them here. It’s been a while since I’ve eaten something properly spicy: I NEED to convince her to put at least one in the soup.

 _New Goal_ : convince Katara to make the soup spicy.

.

Update: The moment I proposed the peppers Katara glared at me. She ranted for about five minutes, and I vaguely remember hearing “ _My tongue doesn’t like suffering_ ”, “ _I’m the cook and I decide what goes in the soup_ ”, “ _Can we even trust food that comes from that hell hole_ ”, “ _Are you trying to poison us_ ”. She said more, but it got lost in translation.

I told her to at least try it out, and she refused.

I shrugged and said “never mind, I understand. It takes some guts to like spices.”

I KNEW that would have sold her. She teared one of the peppers from my hands and _bit_ it.

Damn. I’m starting to believe that if she was ever to meet Agni, He would fear _her_.

She started to chew very slowly, and I tried my hardest not to laugh. I asked if she was okay, and she nodded and swallowed, with tears in her eyes. Then, she coughed violently for at least a minute. I patiently waited for her to stop, then wordlessly slid her a pot of water.

She murmured something that terribly sounded like “Fuck you and your peppers”, and that was the last straw. I couldn’t have stopped laughing if they’d paid me, and when her lips started to tremble I knew I had won. She joined me.

 _New Accomplishment:_ I made Katara laugh.

PS: She didn't put the peppers in the soup, but I slid one in my portion, so it's all good. Aang asked me why I ddn't just do that from the start instead of making Katara mad. It's a good point, but maybe I just needed an excuse to be with her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed, the Gaang doesn’t find out about the scar, but "just" about Zuko's banishment. I wanted them to find out everything, but it would have changed canon too much, right now. Plus, I think the story would have much mistery around it, especially because of propaganda. I doubt Ozai would want people to know he cowardly attacked a kid begging for mercy and scarred him forever. That part of the ordeal wouldn't get out so easily.  
> The last part of the chapter is just mindless fluff because I'm in the mood. We're not crushing on each other but we'll stare in each other's eyes while I try out the food you've brought for me. Typical.  
> Thank youuu for following me in this journey, and see you soon <3


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